Gentle reader with cancer: You are wondering why people say such un-helpful things.
Gentle reader who knows someone with cancer: You are wondering if there’s anything helpful that you can say.
Whichever group you’re in, this post is for you.
Cancer patients and survivors will always encounter fear among their friends and associates, who either lost a loved one or are terrified of getting cancer themselves. I’ll bet my canned goods that friends sincerely want to help, but they’re anxious and tongue-tied and don’t know what to say.
No matter how much friends and family love you, sooner or later they’ll say the wrong thing. I humbly offer these comebacks:
1) “Do you think it’s all that soda you drank? I read an article…”
Comeback: “I’m quite sure it was an apple I failed to wash. It was three years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday.”
2) “A friend of mine got intravenous vitamins and that cured her!”
Comeback: “Mega doses of vitamins can dry your skin. Seriously. No, it’s just not worth the risk.”
3) “Everything happens for a reason.”
Comeback: “Dryer lint. There is no reason for dryer lint. What was God thinking?”
4) “You know, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow.”
Comeback: “Or we could be eaten alive by a pack of wolverines! That would be worse.”
5) “This will be a learning experience for you.” [alt. "opportunity for spiritual growth"]
Comeback: “Isn’t there an online course I could take instead? How about JuCo? Maybe it’s not too late.”
6) “God never gives us more than we can handle.”
Comeback: “Exactly! So don’t ever be stoic. God gets the wrong idea.”
7) “But you’re so slender and health conscious. It must have been stress. I read an article…”
Comeback: “Actually, the latest study proved it’s not stress but clerical work. JAMA, October 2007. Look it up.”
8) “My mother had cancer and she’s in remission.”
Comeback: “Good! Get her to bottle it and send me some.”
9) “Does cancer run in your family?”
Comeback: “No, but cell division does. They’re all dividing cells like crazy.”
10) “Survival is all about attitude.”
Comeback: “There was a day in 7th grade when I got frustrated with my teacher. That semester I got a B instead of an A in Attitude. Who knew the consequences would be so far reaching and devastating? If only I could go back in time…”
11) “I saw Sheryl Crow on TV. She looks fabulous!”
Comeback: “Great! Where do I sign up to be Sheryl Crow?”
Family and friends, you may now be wondering if there’s anything at all you can say. If there’s anything that won’t trivialize or stigmatize cancer, that won’t blame the victim, that won’t make the patient feel even more isolated than he/she already does. You can’t go wrong with this: “No matter what comes, we’ll get through it together.” And then give ‘em a big ol’ hug.
Oh, and by popular demand: 12) “You look so goooooooooooooooooood!”
Comeback: “Thank you! You look good too. Maybe you have cancer?”
This is a brilliant post. I think the list could go on and on. People say the strangest, most awful things sometimes — with the best intentions of course. The warmth of your humbly offered suggestion brings tears to my eyes, perhaps because it is so desperately needed yet so seldom offered.
Donna, Did you ever actually say any of those things? The idea brought a big smile to my face fantasizing about what happened after that if you did. As more time went by, I know my friend Vic cared not one whit about editing herself. She did greatly benefit from the love bombs that were frequently dropped on her, but remained true to herself in the moment with those she was interacting. I was an idiot plenty of times for the exact reasons you describe in those awkward conversations. I got some serious schoolin’ as a result, from which Victoria took great relish :)
No, I never did. On the spot, I couldn’t think of what to say. I would just feel appalled and humiliated.
If the friend truly meant well, it was just awkward. But sometimes people are just looking out for themselves. They are putting you in your place, while they remain in their clean, well-lighted place. It’s a kind of segregation, probably stemming from a survival instinct to separate oneself from the sick. Cancer is not contagious, but our caveman brains don’t really understand that.
There’s also the just-world fallacy, which I’ve written about: http://donnatrussell.com/2010/06/23/republicans-to-the-unemployed-youre-lazy/
It’s human nature to believe that people get what they deserve. Cancer is a scary, incurable disease, and wouldn’t it be nice to have a talisman that wards it off?
A few years after my diagnosis, a woman told me, “I think sexual abuse in childhood causes cancer.” I replied there wasn’t one scintilla of evidence supporting that premise. But she kept insisting. And you can bet what’s left of your retirement savings that she was not sexually abused in childhood.
Trouble is, cancer doesn’t care what you believe. It will do what it does, which is grow.
A few months ago, a woman told me about an injury that befell her, and how she turned it into an opportunity. Then she said, “So I wonder, now that you know you survived, do you think cancer was a blessing?”
Pain and disfigurement a blessing? In exchange for what? A few poems I later wrote?
Not to mention that my ten years of survival is no guarantee. I knew a woman with ovarian cancer who had an 11-year remission. The cancer came back and killed her in two months. Even if I don’t recur, I could get a new cancer, caused either by my aggressive chemotherapy, or by whatever genes triggered the first cancer.
What I said to her: Oh lots. An hour later, at home. ;)
[11:02] meeboguest20197: i wonder if there is a right thing to say? Tell me how to talk to people i love . What is the right thing to say? My silence is certainly looking like i dont care.
You can’t go wrong with: “We’re going to get through this together. I hope everything goes well, but even if it doesn’t, I’m by your side, no matter what happens.” And then do it. :) Thank you for caring enough to ask.
Thank you for the reply. It has helped tremendously. Now I am encouraged to ask for more advice!
What would be the right thing to say to someone I am not that close to? I do accompany my loved ones to treatment visits and there are so many people in the waiting rooms/coffee table. Small talk seems too small, yet not making conversation makes me feel locked in. I feel unable to share the waiting. Because I do not have cancer yet(that I know of), I am an alien in that world. I do want to be present through this time in their life just as i would be present for any one else, dealing with any other kind of challenge. I can say “hope you get well soon” to any one any where else. Am so sorry you are going through this..? and after that what?
I was near a 33 year old girl who just heard that the cancer progressed- she was crying in the waiting area. I went through every sentence in my limited ability to find the right thing to say or do .Her mother was next to her, who asked me what should she say? I can only imagin what the mother must be going through too. Many of the sentences i thought of at that time, are the very ones that i read above to be most inapproporiate now! I still have not found the correct thing to say to either of them.
I wanted to take some time to think about this. But even after thinking it over, I’m not sure I have a good answer.
It’s commendable that you even want to understand and help. A natural response to cancer and the pain and heartbreak it causes is to run away. (But of course the patient can not run.)
Some things in life just suck, and sometimes all a friend can say is: I’m so sorry. And all you can do is listen to them and try to help them have fun. No matter how sick patients are, they can still enjoy movies and music and flowers and comedians and sunsets. You can reread books you loved as a child. There’s a lot left to do even in a deeply diminished life.
Don’t know if this will help, but here’s something I wrote a few years ago: http://donnatrussell.com/2008/08/23/its-cancer-now-what/
Cancer is unfair. Forget the myths you’ve heard. In truth, cancer goes after the nicest people. It helped me to remember that I am not alone in this unfair event. Many people succumbed to fates they did not deserve. Like Lily Burk. http://donnatrussell.com/2009/09/03/lily-burk-sweet-17-and-dead/
Thank you. Many times over.